“It was the Magic night that did this, wasn’t it?” – Becca

I’m not surprised. I’m really not surprised. It’s odd — but probably for the better — as Becca and Eza have pointed out, that I don’t seem perturbed by it at all. Give it a week and I might start to throw things, but for now it really does feel all right. I’m not sure if it’s because (a) I was given a very persistent wake-up call that has somehow either distorted my view of things, or forced the reality of the situation to the front of my mind, or (b) I’m burnt out from everything I’ve made myself do for the sake of making things better, or (c) on a very rare turn, I have enough sense not to disillusion myself into thinking things will be better from now on, or (d) whatever faith I had before this was stamped out long before I realized it, or (e) contrary to (d), I have enough faith to think that if I let nature take its course it really could get better in time (which seems very silly when said out loud or put down in black and white).

Whatever it is, I really am quite zen about it, and I don’t even need to be drawing lines in the sand to keep myself zen. Granted I’m a little bothered by the fact that I am zen, but given the way things have been for so long, I don’t think I can afford to be anything but zen. The question is: when the zen phase is over, how much more damage will I do for myself?


Upon further reflection, I think (b) and (d) are the least likely possibilities.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *