Wedding bell bore

Wedding bell bore

“You can always tell which are the boring girls who have no imagination. They’re the ones in the strapless wedding gowns.” – My mother

This year has been the year of the wedding. Whether by design or happenstance, the year has been filled with one high-profile wedding after another. I suppose the hype of Prince William and Kate Middleton’s wedding may have been what started it, and I don’t blame them; it was a long-overdue boost in popularity for the British Royal Family, and it was a chance for a fairytale-deprived public to steal some ideas for their own nuptials. I believe that beautiful April morning was what also turned more attention to the Monegasque royal wedding, because prior to that, nobody had ever heard of Charlene Wittstock, or even Prince Albert II of Monaco. Or — believe it or not — Princess Grace.

I was very much looking forward to William and Kate’s wedding; I was dying to know if the wedding gown really had been designed by Alexander McQueen’s Sarah Burton and if it would look like what I expected someone with Kate’s taste and style would wear. And, as the whole world and beyond knows by now, she didn’t disappoint. Then I waited for the Monegasque wedding to see what the almost-unknown Charlene Wittstock would wear, and again — though she didn’t look the most ecstatic of brides that day — she didn’t disappoint in her Giorgio Armani column gown. And then came the pleasant surprise of Kate Moss’s wedding, for which she wore a John Galliano design that I decided I would sell my soul to have — and that’s saying something because I had only been willing to sell a couple of limbs for Kate Middleton’s dress.

I have to post this one too because it’s my absolute favorite shot of her, and that is saying something because I generally think she’s ugly:

I’ll admit I was even looking forward to Kim Kardashian’s wedding. From the moment she got that boulder on her finger, her entire family was already unabashedly calling the impending nuptials the ‘Royal Wedding 2.0’, comparing themselves to the real Royal Family, and falling over themselves to divulge as many details of the wedding as possible to keep the hype going (this family, as a single, cohesive unit, is by far the biggest media whore I’ve ever known).

When it was announced that Kim had chosen Vera Wang to design her wedding dress, I immediately felt a little deflated. I remembered being less than impressed with Khloe Kardashian’s wedding gown two years ago (yes, she will celebrate her two-year anniversary at the end of September, by which time she will have known Lamar Odom for all of two years and one month), and I wondered what Kim was going to do with her own wedding dress — besides making it three sizes too small. So the Monday after her wedding weekend, I went to E! Online to look for the wedding coverage, and the first thing I saw was a bare-shouldered Kim.

I immediately lost interest in the wedding after that; I figured if the bride herself looked like any other suburban strip mall bride, then I couldn’t have missed very much. I even lost what little interest I had in Kim herself, because I knew that when the official wedding photos were released, I would see her in the most common-looking wedding dress in the world: strapless with a big skirt. I suppose I expected much more from her because of all the buzz she and her family had been kicking up in the weeks prior to the wedding, but in retrospect, there really was nothing more to be expected of her. Everyone knew she would eventually end up in a dress (or two) that looked like it (or they) had been painted on.

Which she did:

This then made me realize how many people I’ve personally known who got married in strapless dresses, which boggles my mind because I always thought that a bride would want to have her own, one-of-a-kind-look that no one else had, not a look that every last woman going through quarter-life crisis has done. And if they’re already wasting a small fortune on something like a wedding, the least they can do is waste it well by getting a dress that some people could pay a lot less for simply because all these dresses look the same.

So ladies, if you’re about to get married and you have the one-of-many strapless dress down as your dress of choice for what I assume will be the most important or special day of your life, I suggest you grab a strip of tulle and pin it in several directions, so that no one else can say your dress was like theirs. And gentlemen, if you want to prevent your wedding portraits from looking like one of those bad bridal dress store advertisements you see on the streets, tell your fiancĂ© that Kim Kardashian’s already done it, so it’s time to move on and move up.

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