Watching and waiting

It all had to end at some point, those two and a half weeks of blissful, absolute peace. It was a much-needed break away from everything that had been going on in my life in recent weeks, especially my job, and it was a good opportunity for me to reflect on the past year and try to figure out my plans for the coming year.

On New Year’s Eve, I thought about what a terrible year 2009 had been – save for one silver lining – and how glad I was that it was about to end. And over the last weekend, I thought about where my lot in life stood and what I was going to do to haul myself out of this purgatory I’ve been living in ever since I came back from the U.S.

Doubtless it had been a good break. I was able to escape the country for a few days – though not without mishaps – watch my childhood idol perform live, and catch up with friends who had just come back from abroad. I was able to strengthen recently-forged friendships, work on my relationship in a way I had never done so before and watch my life veer towards a more positive direction. And yet all that was overshadowed by worries – worries about work, money and what kind of a future I wanted for myself.

The one significant feeling that stood out over everything else was that I did not want to go back to work come January 4. Looking at how far I had been thrown back and the fact that nothing I did these days, however willingly, accounted for anything at all, I did not see the point in waking up every day to sit at a desk in complete obscurity and still feel justified in calling it a job. As the day drew nearer for me to wake up from the 18-day dream I had been in, the despair grew; what was I going back to, and how was I going to survive it?

And now, as I sit at my desk in a mercifully silent office – thanks to the majority of people still on leave to get their children settled into school – I begin to realize that, as is with most aspects of my life these days, I have to see this as one big picture. What I do now, no matter how unimportant it has become, is merely a step towards something greater, and it’s not as though I’ve never known what it is. Had I not already set certain goals for myself where work was concerned? Had Becca and I not discussed to great length how far we were willing to go to ensure we could take care of ourselves?

So I remain sitting, waiting for a sign – and I know one will come – that it’s time to take that step in the right direction, both for myself and the people I love. And if I can acknowledge that now, just five days into the new year, then 2010 will indeed (hopefully) be a big year, albeit perhaps in a small sense, for me.

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