Time and punishment

Time and punishment

Time is the unkindest cut of all. It sweeps by, impenitent and without a care for whether or not we are willing to go along with it. It hovers about, watching us make mistakes, but never allows us to do penance for them even if we have learned our lessons. It lets — and occasionally even helps — us make decisions and then only shows us the consequences of those decisions when it has become too late to undo them. It turns us against our principles and into people we’ve striven for most of our lives not to be. Worst of all, it will never wait for us.

So when I think of the past two years, it astounds me that I have let all this time pass and allowed myself to be engulfed in the calamities of my job, which in turn are making me do something I swore I would never do in this lifetime: conform. But I tried to fight the system, attempting to block out the seemingly crazed mob mentality that rules the corporate bullpen right down to what color everyone should wear for a particular event, staving off the psychotic stalkers I seem to have for colleagues, and trying to concentrate on what I am paid to do. And throughout all of that, Time sailed right by, reminding me numerous times that all I had to do was summon the courage to reach out for what I truly wanted to do, warning me that the longer I waited, the harder I fought, the faster and further away the opportunities would evade me.

And now, when I think of God and try to dredge up the faith I no longer even have, I tell myself He must either have had a damned good reason for throwing me where I am and forcing me to stay there, or He is punishing me for losing the very faith, that I have replaced with indifference, that has kept me alive all this while. Whatever the reason, I hope I know what it is soon, before I begin to decide that it is not even worth my own life.

6 Responses »

  1. Shit sucks now, doesn’t it? I just learned that I’ll be graduating in Summer. Shit gets bad quite often, and the best thing to do is not give a shit. Take this as an opportunity to mix things up a bit, stir up some chaos. It will make getting by a lot easier by not giving a shit.

  2. Hey babe, reading this entry is a comfort, knowing I’m not alone in wondering what the heck I’ve done with my life. I hope u find what it is u’re looking for soon enough. Cheers.

    • OMG it took me a while to realize which Diane you were! i was so surprised to hear from you, and also a bit relieved to think oh good, it’s not just me. i hope you’ll be able to sort yours out faster than i can sort mine.

  3. When you bounce back up from this (though it sounds cliche), you are going to be so much stronger. The longing and the yearning for something different, and maybe even the falling into conforming and hating it, will be the very things that will act as your springboard, when you are able to live more authentically.

    Your weaknesses become your strengths.

  4. Wow. That last paragraph is powerful! You put into words exactly how I’m sure myself and many others have felt before but never were able to express! Just… powerful and thanks for sharing with such honesty. I believe as Amy above says, these moments of self-reflection, situation loathing and faith-less-ness truly do act as a springboard to greater things and deeper understanding of ourselves and our faith. As the Israelites did in the wilderness, pitch a tent (temporary abode) while walking THRU this desert, but don’t build a house there! Get ready to move on to better things!

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