Three times a year

broken promises

Two dozen years of sheltered thoughts
I lived within my shell
Then Time broke down that fragile wall
And dragged me down to Hell
I opened my eyes and saw these things
I never thought could be
But the ones I loved were doing them
And they were doing them to me

Bit by bit that sheen dissolved
And the dirt beneath was shown
I saw myself quite differently
The filth was all my own
Five more years of loss and pain
I thought that I was through
Then God threw me another bomb
And led me right to you

That voice, that smile, that charm, that heart
All set up for me to fall
And yet I knew that of right and wrong
Was still within my call
If I could have been strong enough
I would have said, “No more.”
But once again my heart failed me
And walked me to your door

Now one year on we live and love
The days are like a dream
But in my head where none can go
Is one long, silent scream
For everywhere her shadow looms
And this gives me a clue
That everything you say to me
I know she hears it too

Three times a year I give you up
And pretend you don’t exist
And for “10 to 12 days”, but really 16
My rage becomes a cyst
Excuses, lies and fairytales
Are all your words of choice
And when I don’t see them on your face
I hear them in your voice

Still I trundle along this pointless road
While purgatory looks down from above
Because I know that this endless pain
Is made worth it by this love
But if I could pull myself out of this life
And tie it up in a pretty bow
I’d set it alight in a fire so high
And finally let you go

[Originally written: December 11, 2014. Courage found: Today]

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