The beauty that remains

Singer Brian McKnight performs onstage at the 2008 ALMA Awards a

I will not say I can die happy now. I will not say that there were instances when I would have burst into tears had it not been for the people sitting on either side of me who would have looked at me like I was insane (although the one on my left had the tears flowing freely too). I will not say that it was surreal how close he was, how it seemed as though at times he was looking straight at me and singing to me. I will not say that it was the highlight of my year thus far, since it’s only March, although it’s quite unlikely that anything else can top this one in the near future.

I will not say because I want to be able to hold on to the memory of it, of those two hours that served as a reminder of something, although it felt as though I was learning something new altogether.

I was reminded of this two weeks ago, while trying not to asphyxiate amidst the melee that was Jason Mraz’s Kuala Lumpur concert. I’ve been reminded of it over the last few days, by my best friend and my priest. And I was reminded of it again tonight: Love.

At his show tonight in Singapore’s Esplanade Concert Hall, Brian McKnight and his sons Niko and Brian Jr. all sang about love, and all the joys and sorrows that come with it. It made me realize — once again — that love is the only thing that matters. It reminded me that anger, sadness, frustration all come with it because it’s precisely out of love that we feel any of those other emotions at all. And it brought to mind once again that at the end of it all, it doesn’t matter what made us angry or sad, because as long as we love, everything will be all right. There is no need to divide and conquer; we only need to look at the big picture.

I’m looking at the big picture now. I’m all out of angry, and I’m done fighting. All I can bring myself to know now is that I do love you. It may never go away, it may fade into something else — affection, perhaps, or merely a soft spot — but right now it’s here and I will live with it and be grateful for it, because at least I know that, in spite of all the pain of heartbreak I’ve had to go through over the years, I haven’t evolved past being able to love.

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