When I decided to take a hiatus from blogging at the beginning of this year, it was with the intention of making it indefinite. I was no longer feeling any kind of pressure to write or update this blog regularly, primarily because I had come to the realization that my excessive blogging over the years had been driven by my own need for an outlet, a vent my feelings in what I once considered a safe space. And, if truth be told, I wrote only when I was unhappy; my inability to confide openly and honestly in people made writing a crutch for my refusal to deal with my emotions.
But then, earlier today, I decided to reread the last post I wrote, exactly one year ago today, and it struck me just how little — and also how much — had changed in the last year. My sentiments towards the changes that needed to be made in my life, as well as the ideals that I held for it, have remained the same. In that, I was essentially the same person this entire year that I had become last year, and whether or not that is a good thing, it has brought me some sense of contentment and peace. My relationship is in the best place it has ever been, not only because we are finally together in the same place, but also because we are doing what we have always sought to do: living the life we want, on our own terms, without doubts, and without the fear of judgment. It is still not the perfect relationship, and there are still hurdles to overcome, but we have learned now that as long as we remain committed to our goals and to each other, we will get to where we want to be one day.
I started off 2019 navigating a swirling mass of emotions. Excitement for next big adventure I was about to embark on, trepidation over what I knew was going to be my toughest challenge yet, and terror of the great wide unknown. And as I packed my belongings and shipped them halfway across the world to the new life that I was about to lead, I realized that, perhaps for the second time in my life (the first being 15 years ago, when I moved to the U.S. for school), I was fully in control of where I was headed. Living in Cyprus these last 10-odd months has driven home the point I made as I closed the last year: that nothing, absolutely nothing, mattered more than the things and the people that brought value to my life, no matter how few they may be.
So while everyone around me has been comparing where they were at the start of this decade to where they are now, I am only going to give thanks for the lessons I’ve learned — while being aware of the few that I still have trouble navigating — in the form of all the people who have passed through my life, all the jobs that I’ve held and hated, yet come out from so much stronger, and all the moments, both good and bad, that have shaped my decisions and led me to exactly where I am today.
Adieu, 2019. We didn’t get lost as much as we used to.