Tag Archives: Jackson Avery

Into the darkness

Into the darkness

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jBUrseVJjiQ

“I need something to be… good. I need something to feel right. I’m not depressed, my heart is not broken, I’m not grieving. She’s not dead, she’s out there, she’s living out her dreams, and I know she’s happy, and that makes me feel proud for her.

“But there is this other feeling that doesn’t completely feel fair, or right, or good. She goes on, day in and day out, happy without me. Every morning, I wake up, and there’s this feeling that maybe my dreams are over, that maybe I had my dreams, and they’re over now. I’m going to be this single guy: no wife, no kids, no family. She was my family, and now she’s someplace else, and I let her go.

“It’s good that I did. It’s better for her, but for me… So I need something to be good. I need a reason to get up every morning, and not crawl back into that cave that I was in before I met her. And you know she saved me; you were there, you remember how I was. I was dark. That war made me dark, and that darkness is still in me. She just lit it up.

“So I just thought, maybe to beat back that darkness, I would do something good… I’d just do something good, like go be with those guys, who would remind me… I just need something to be good.”

– Owen Hunt, Grey’s Anatomy

One of the reasons I’ve watched Grey’s Anatomy religiously is Cristina Yang. She always reminded me so much of myself — sarcastic, tough bordering on harsh, candid, and unintentionally vulnerable. Even when the storylines started to feel draggy, monotonous, and occasionally even a little bit ridiculous, I watched the show for her.

Another reason I still watch Grey’s Anatomy religiously to this day is the incredible writing that puts so much life into this show. Regardless of whatever issues she may have had during the show’s run, Shonda Rhimes is unbeatable when it comes to emotionally raw dialog — the kind that almost always hits too close to home, the kind that makes me feel like I am Olivia Pope, but for all the wrong reasons, the kind that makes you want to ask Shonda how she knows.

How she knows that when a dip occurs in the momentum of your everyday life, the odd little feeling of malcontent creeps in. How she knows that no matter how happy and content you are with your current lot in life, there is still a shadow over that one little part of it that threatens to ruin everything else. How she knows that all it takes is one person to cast a bright light over that darkness in your heart, and one person to take away that light completely and permanently. How she knows that when the darkness takes over, so much so that you can’t even do the simplest thing like book a flight ticket without associating it with that darkness, all you need is for something to be good.

Word vomit

Word vomit

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l9oVVj6TUYo

“I love you. Oh God. Oh, my God, that just came flying out of my face! I love you. I did it again…! I love you, I do. I love you, and I have been trying not to say it. I’ve been trying so hard to just mash it down, and ignore it, and not say it. And Jackson is a great guy. He is. He’s gorgeous and he’s younger than you, and he doesn’t have any grandkids or babies with his lesbian BFFs, and he’s an Avery, and he liked me, you know. He really liked me! But it was never going to work out, because I love you. I am so in love with you, and you’re in me: it’s like you’re a disease, and it’s like I’m infected by Mark Sloan and I can’t think about anything or anybody. And I can’t sleep, I can’t breathe, I can’t eat… and I love you. I love you all the time. It’s every minute of every day. I love you.”

– Lexie Grey, Grey’s Anatomy

It may have been a year ago, but without fail, this scene just gets me every single time. Despite the flawless articulation I try to project all day long, I’m fairly certain this is how my brain really functions when it’s trying to organize my thoughts so that I don’t end up sounding Lexie Grey-level insane.