“You’re wondering what this is going to look like — our life. I could lie to you right now: that’s how both my other marriages began, with lies. So I could lie to you right now; I could tell you there’s a chance we will warm to one another, maybe fall in love and live happily ever after. I could lie, but I won’t.
“We’re not going to fall in love, and that is a relief to me, because I cannot disappoint you. I cannot hurt you any more than I already have. I cannot destroy your image of me, or break your heart, or damage your soul. You don’t believe in me, so I have nothing in you to break. I am on no pedestal, so you’ve seen me for what I am: a filthy monster desperately trying to hold on to the last shreds of its humanity.
“You are a good person. I know that… I’m not promising much, but I will promise this: I may not do it well, but I will do my best to be your someone. So you’re not alone, OK? You’re not alone.”
Not only is this one of Cyrus Beene’s best monologues — and consequently one that belongs on Jeff Perry’s Emmy reel — it is also the only non-wedding-vow kind of wedding vow that would drive me to tears. And that is saying something, because God knows I’ve had plenty to cry about since I woke up this morning.