Somewhere I don’t sleep anymore

Three options (Cancel does not count) my life does not have - taken with BlackBerry Bold 9700

I discovered a few days ago that an old boyfriend of mine recently got engaged. To say that I was surprised at the engagement would be somewhat inaccurate; the girl, after all, is someone he was in a long-distance relationship with for two-odd years until, some five years ago, he decided he would like to try on the philanderer’s hat. It was inevitable that they would get back together after I turned it into a win-win situation by shipping him off to her in sunny California.

What actually surprised me was that this man — who was the sole reason I spent the entire summer of 2006 bawling my eyes out over the phone to Becca in my walk-in closet, and subsequently the reason my weight nosedived down to a very happy 110lbs — was able to bounce back from making those hideous mistakes, and even end up making an honest woman out of her now.

We spend our lives making mistakes, doing things to hurt people who in no way deserve any of them, and come away from it dusting ourselves off and promising to do better. But we never really apologize for them because admittedly, there is not much use in being sorry for something that should never have happened in the first place. And if we were all to be completely honest with ourselves, we’re probably more sorry for being caught than for doing it in the first place.

How do we know, then, that in the end, things will somehow become all right again? If there is so much excruciating truth to be found in ‘Sorry is not a valid currency’, how do we live with ourselves knowing that we have irrevocably hurt someone we loved and who loved us, and we’re not given a chance to make up for it? And on the rare occasion that we are given the chance, how do we live with the reminder that we screwed up, because there is virtually no way to forgive if we can’t forget?

What do we do when we can no longer Sleep our way to redemption or Restart what we Shut Down?

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