Most of you who have been following me on this blog know that I am a writer, by passion and profession. Some may not know that I am also a public relations consultant and de facto event planner — a job I take mainly so that I have an outlet for my opinions on certain issues.
Today I ran the press launch of Nikky’s new (and by ‘new’ I mean five-month-old) nail salon/café/spa, the Nailsmith Spa & Bar.
ASIDE: I take pride in the fact that Nikky and her partner, Jane, decided to name their salon ‘Nailsmith’ after they looked at my business card. END ASIDE.
To cut to the chase, the event went very well, and fortunately my old friends from the press were able to attend, so I had at least three familiar faces to hang out with. When it was over and everyone had left, Nikky and Jane each gave me a hug and said, “We couldn’t have done this without you.”
It’s not something I hear very often — it’s human nature to be quick to criticize and slow with praise — so it both moved me and took me by surprise. During the drive home, I thought about what they had said and for some strange reason, it hit me then why, of all the thankless jobs in the world to choose from, I chose public relations and events.
It’s because deep down, we all just really want to be appreciated.
For the last four and a half months, the travesty that is my relationship drama has stripped me of practically every protective wall I built around myself. From being stalked by a 47-year-old nutjob pretending to be a man (and sometimes woman) 4744 miles away, to being given a expiration date whereby this relationship will finally come to an end, I live my life with the unshakeable feeling that I am being watched while I take a shower. To live under such close scrutiny is to be left feeling worthless, and I realize now that when we lose our own sense of self-worth, we lose the will to live altogether.
In all my 16 years of dating, I have been cheated on, controlled, beaten and abandoned, and for someone who has Asperger Syndrome, those 16 years have done nothing but make me feel like I will never be good enough for anyone. And in the last two and a half years, I have perpetually been in someone else’s shadow, waiting, always waiting, and wondering if I will ever be held in my own worth.
It’s no secret that writing is not a well-paying job in this country, and public relations is something that people have only very recently discovered is crucial to a business’s success (or failure). So it would be a total lie for me to say I get paid well to do what I like. And when I’m experiencing a mental or creative block, there is little else to make me hold on to these jobs, except the notion that the end result — whether it’s a published article or a successful event — is the only way I ever get to feel like I may be good for something.
It’s also why I made the decision to upend my life here and start over in a new place, and to do something that I will earn next to nothing for. After all the mistakes I have made, all the terrible judgment calls and all the times I’ve had to patch up this broken heart, I know that I need to take some time out and channel my negativity into doing something good for other people, for a change. And then maybe, just maybe, I can finally, actually, be good for something.
But until then, here’s something pretty for you to look at.