Professionally personal

Professionally personal

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Most of you who have been following me on this blog know that I am a writer, by passion and profession. Some may not know that I am also a public relations consultant and de facto event planner — a job I take mainly so that I have an outlet for my opinions on certain issues.

Today I ran the press launch of Nikky’s new (and by ‘new’ I mean five-month-old) nail salon/café/spa, the Nailsmith Spa & Bar.

ASIDE: I take pride in the fact that Nikky and her partner, Jane, decided to name their salon ‘Nailsmith’ after they looked at my business card. END ASIDE.

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nailsmith 001To cut to the chase, the event went very well, and fortunately my old friends from the press were able to attend, so I had at least three familiar faces to hang out with. When it was over and everyone had left, Nikky and Jane each gave me a hug and said, “We couldn’t have done this without you.”

It’s not something I hear very often — it’s human nature to be quick to criticize and slow with praise — so it both moved me and took me by surprise. During the drive home, I thought about what they had said and for some strange reason, it hit me then why, of all the thankless jobs in the world to choose from, I chose public relations and events.

It’s because deep down, we all just really want to be appreciated.

For the last four and a half months, the travesty that is my relationship drama has stripped me of practically every protective wall I built around myself. From being stalked by a 47-year-old nutjob pretending to be a man (and sometimes woman) 4744 miles away, to being given a expiration date whereby this relationship will finally come to an end, I live my life with the unshakeable feeling that I am being watched while I take a shower. To live under such close scrutiny is to be left feeling worthless, and I realize now that when we lose our own sense of self-worth, we lose the will to live altogether.

In all my 16 years of dating, I have been cheated on, controlled, beaten and abandoned, and for someone who has Asperger Syndrome, those 16 years have done nothing but make me feel like I will never be good enough for anyone. And in the last two and a half years, I have perpetually been in someone else’s shadow, waiting, always waiting, and wondering if I will ever be held in my own worth.

It’s no secret that writing is not a well-paying job in this country, and public relations is something that people have only very recently discovered is crucial to a business’s success (or failure). So it would be a total lie for me to say I get paid well to do what I like. And when I’m experiencing a mental or creative block, there is little else to make me hold on to these jobs, except the notion that the end result — whether it’s a published article or a successful event — is the only way I ever get to feel like I may be good for something.

It’s also why I made the decision to upend my life here and start over in a new place, and to do something that I will earn next to nothing for. After all the mistakes I have made, all the terrible judgment calls and all the times I’ve had to patch up this broken heart, I know that I need to take some time out and channel my negativity into doing something good for other people, for a change. And then maybe, just maybe, I can finally, actually, be good for something.

But until then, here’s something pretty for you to look at.

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