Into the darkness

“I need something to be… good. I need something to feel right. I’m not depressed, my heart is not broken, I’m not grieving. She’s not dead, she’s out there, she’s living out her dreams, and I know she’s happy, and that makes me feel proud for her.

“But there is this other feeling that doesn’t completely feel fair, or right, or good. She goes on, day in and day out, happy without me. Every morning, I wake up, and there’s this feeling that maybe my dreams are over, that maybe I had my dreams, and they’re over now. I’m going to be this single guy: no wife, no kids, no family. She was my family, and now she’s someplace else, and I let her go.

“It’s good that I did. It’s better for her, but for me… So I need something to be good. I need a reason to get up every morning, and not crawl back into that cave that I was in before I met her. And you know she saved me; you were there, you remember how I was. I was dark. That war made me dark, and that darkness is still in me. She just lit it up.

“So I just thought, maybe to beat back that darkness, I would do something good… I’d just do something good, like go be with those guys, who would remind me… I just need something to be good.”

– Owen Hunt, Grey’s Anatomy

One of the reasons I’ve watched Grey’s Anatomy religiously is Cristina Yang. She always reminded me so much of myself — sarcastic, tough bordering on harsh, candid, and unintentionally vulnerable. Even when the storylines started to feel draggy, monotonous, and occasionally even a little bit ridiculous, I watched the show for her.

Another reason I still watch Grey’s Anatomy religiously to this day is the incredible writing that puts so much life into this show. Regardless of whatever issues she may have had during the show’s run, Shonda Rhimes is unbeatable when it comes to emotionally raw dialog — the kind that almost always hits too close to home, the kind that makes me feel like I am Olivia Pope, but for all the wrong reasons, the kind that makes you want to ask Shonda how she knows.

How she knows that when a dip occurs in the momentum of your everyday life, the odd little feeling of malcontent creeps in. How she knows that no matter how happy and content you are with your current lot in life, there is still a shadow over that one little part of it that threatens to ruin everything else. How she knows that all it takes is one person to cast a bright light over that darkness in your heart, and one person to take away that light completely and permanently. How she knows that when the darkness takes over, so much so that you can’t even do the simplest thing like book a flight ticket without associating it with that darkness, all you need is for something to be good.

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