How will I know?

“Give me a reason to do it, and I swear I will.” – J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

This morning I did my weekly PostSecret trawl and found this:

escape

It was nothing I hadn’t seen before; things like this pop up every now and then on PostSecret. Then I scrolled down a little further and saw this:

my-sign

What makes it OK to leave? What is that sign we’re waiting for that will let us know we’re ready to let go of everything we have, pack up our lives and start all over again elsewhere? How will we know that our sign is right in front of us, how will we know that we’re doing the right thing?

I used to think that anything bad that happened to me was a sign that it was time to let go and move on, the most significant being the departure of someone that broke something within me, making all the troubles I was already having snowball and making me decide that I’d had enough and couldn’t do it anymore, that I needed to leave Buffalo (and in this case come back to this country) and rebuild my life. Maybe that was why it didn’t seem so difficult to prepare myself to come back here (although I hadn’t counted on how I would feel after I came back); because deep down I knew that I’d been waiting for something to happen, something to tell me that it was time.

And somehow, it feels like it’s happening again. In spite of the things I still have to do here, and the very few people who have become my lifeline over the last few months (although it’s really only two people, one of whom is completely immersed in her relationship and wouldn’t notice if I left, and another whom I’ve promised not to abandon and would bring with me wherever I go), I wonder if it’s happening for the right reasons. I wonder if That had been my sign.

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