Hemming and hawing

Now that I’m at a proverbial crossroads in my life, I’m reminded yet again of what a terribly indecisive person I am: I can never seem to make my mind up on anything. I spend ages in a bookstore, reading the synopses on the back covers of books, thinking each one could be a good read, but I end up walking out of the store empty-handed, because I’m afraid that after I start reading I’ll realize I just spent RM49.70 on a book I don’t even like. I test out a new lipgloss color on my hand and find that I quite like it, but I’m reluctant to purchase it because I’m afraid that it will look different on my face and I’ll be saddled with a tube of RM79 lipgloss until I’m guilted into using it.

It wouldn’t be so bad if my indecisiveness only stopped at the superficial things. But now I can actually put together a list of things I’ve been meaning to do that I just haven’t gotten around to out of laziness, complacency and the apprehension that doing them would mean having to see them through  to — and possibly failing to obtain — a certain end result. And no matter how significant or otherwise each task may seem, it doesn’t diminish the fact that I’m trapped — and deservedly so — in a hell of my own making.

Update my résumé. Ever since I started thinking of a career/job change, I’ve been making mental notes to update my résumé so that I can actually take that first step towards said change. I’ve always hated anything résumé-related, because I can never be sure how much information to put in it that will come across as impressively substantial but at the same time not long-winded.

Go on the wild-goose chase. Naturally, with the task of updating my résumé, comes the ordeal of going through the much-hated process of looking for a new job — be it in the same profession/industry or a new one altogether — which is another bane of my existence, as I’m terrified of interviews (and the corresponding rejection) and apprehensive of starting over in a new place, among new people, when I’ve become comfortable where I am.

Return to the stage. Being out of the Pitches and the University at Buffalo Choir has made me miss singing and performing, whether on my own — as my mother very briefly (and probably half-jokingly) suggested — or in a group. But as I haven’t been in any local ensemble since Operafest — a stint which ended more than five years ago — I haven’t the faintest idea how to go about seeking one now (auditions for the Selangor Philharmonic Choir I passed up for lack of preparation notwithstanding). Another thing stopping me is the thought of having to audition all over again, a task I also find daunting as the past years of performing have not taken away my stage-fright.

Test my endurance. In this case, it would be the Standard Chartered KL Marathon in June. Having recently gotten back into my gym groove, I was given the idea of signing up for the 10KM leg of the marathon, and despite my initial reservations about it, I began to consider it. But as Becca has resolutely refused to participate in even the 5KM leg, and it has been at least a good two years since I participated in a long-distance foot race (made more bearable by the fact that it was held in 20°C weather and I was with a good twelve other girls), I’m not entirely sure I want to be doing this on my own.

With all my mental haggling back and forth on these matters, it’s a wonder that I get anything done at all. But I would like to at least get half these things down pat (predictably the first two), and if nothing else, to provide myself with some consolation that I’m making an attempt to haul myself out of this self-made slump.

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