Empty contentment

empty heart

Lately it feels as though I’ve forgotten who I am, forgotten the girl I used to be, and forgotten the woman I swore I would never be but have now become. Lately it feels as though I’ve been thrown into a whirlpool of events and circumstances that are so far out of my control that I live with the terror of never being able to get out of it of my own accord. And in a perverse twist of reality, I know I’m here out of my own free will, and there’s nowhere else I would rather be.

Sometimes I find it impossible to believe that I’ve been doing this for as long as I have. Going to bed and waking up, day after day, night after night, feeling so conflicted and so contented as to be inappropriate. Waiting for, and dreading, the one sign that will tell me all this has been too good — or too bad — to be true, and that it’s time to abandon ship before I’m dragged even further down into this emotional abyss that has completely consumed my mind, my heart, my life and my soul.

I thought that, since it’s been a little over a month by now, I would have been able to get over it, to write it off as the price for my inquisitiveness and my aggravating need to have all the facts laid out before me so that I could proceed with full disclosure. But what price can anyone pay for so easily forgetting — or ignoring — the most important fact of all, which in and of itself defines all the other circumstances of this situation? How do you put a price on something that you know you can never afford to lose?

So I punish myself instead, by listening to your voice in my head over and over again, saying all the things that I never wanted to hear but had to know just to reinforce in my subconscious the reality of the situation, until they are all so seared into my brain that I know I will never be able to forget them, no matter how many times I shut the door in your face to block out the actual sound of your voice.

How much longer this emotional and mental flagellation can go on for, I will never know, but it’s the least I can do to make up for my mistakes, for thinking that I could do this and still come out unscathed, and for promising to go on indefinitely in this empty contentment.

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