When I think of the time that I almost loved you
You showed your ass and I saw the real you
Thank God you blew it
Thank God I dodged a bullet
I’m so over you, so baby, go lookin’ out
I wanted you bad
I’m so through with that
‘Cause honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had
You turned out to be the best thing I never had
And I will always be the best thing you never had
– Best Thing I Never Had, Beyoncé Knowles –
That’s the thing about bullets: you spend your life avoiding them, looking out for red flags, and all the other signs that a relationship is doomed to fail. But then you end up standing there and getting shot anyway, because the pain of it is the most exquisite, most beautiful pain you have ever felt, and that one little moment of happiness you finally get makes all that pain worth it.
I stood still and let love shoot me in the face and heart, until finally I allowed myself to be swept away by the first wind that blew by. But deep down, I know that if I had hung on to that resolve to wait the rest of my life for you — or if I had clung to the fear of losing you — I would have kept on getting shot. And I would have willingly stood on and taken that bullet for you, over and over again.
I suppose in the end, even God got tired of my pain.