And I care about you so much
I really do want you
But I’m scared with every touch
Because I don’t want to lose you
If you care for me like you say
Maybe you can hang through
I hope you understand
It’s nothing to you
My heart’s at a low
I’m so much to manage
I think you should know
That I’ve been damaged
– TLC, Damaged –
Someone told me, a few months ago, that if you are unhappy with yourself, you shouldn’t get involved with someone else, because you could ruin it for the both of you. I thought back then that no matter what problems each one was facing, as long as they stayed together they would be able to help each other through it.
Now I know how difficult it is to be in a relationship while still trying to let go of past failures and close old wounds. To be responsible for the heart and feelings of another person while still trying to heal your own broken heart. To learn to open up and wash away the bitterness and cynicism, when it was the past disasters that caused the bitterness and the heart to close up in the first place.
I believed in out of sight, out of mind. But apparently some cuts run so deep that they seem unable to heal, draining the trust and faith that are the lifeblood of a relationship and eventually bringing it all to a shattering end that was foreseen but unavoidable.
When you accused me of not opening up to you, I tried to do just that. When I was ready to open up, you shut me out. When I was learning to be less cynical and have a little faith, you took that faith and threw it back in my face. And all it taught me was never again to open up and give myself so freely, and never to put all my eggs in that basket.
I think it’s safe to say I may have been broken one too many times to be put back together now.