Category Archives: Colloquies

The well-armed woman

As Desperate Housewives, one of my favorite TV series, comes to an end, I take a look back at my favorite housewife, Bree Van de Kamp.

I’m not sure if it’s because of my own obsessive-compulsive tendencies, or my admiration for Bree’s thinly-veiled sarcasm, or the fact that I can practically hear my own grandmother saying some of the things Bree says, but I can completely relate to her. She is what I will miss most about the show.

Danielle: Why don’t you go to Mrs. Applewhite and tell her you really need to know what’s going on? I bet if you were really nice, she’ll tell you the truth.

Bree: Is that what you really think, Danielle? I should go to Mrs. Applewhite, be nice, and then she’ll hand over all her secrets?

Danielle: Yeah.

Bree: When I was young, my stepmother told me that I was very lucky. I possessed beauty, wit, cunning, and insight. These were weapons all women needed to survive in the world.

Danielle: So?

Bree: So take good care of your looks, Danielle. You don’t have any other weapons at your disposal.

Desperate Housewives, Season 2, Episode 14 –

It’s amazing, now that I think about it, how very, very few women I know possess all four weapons.

Home affairs

Carrie: Miranda just doesn’t like him. This is about Billy Joel.

Samantha: It’s not about Billy Joel, it’s about you. We’re not going to encourage you to cross an ocean. We’re selfish bitches who like you in New York.

Carrie: Well, I like me in New York too, but I really like him. He’s great, isn’t he?

Samantha: Yes. A bit arrogant, but he’s got the goods to back it up.

Carrie: And he can be really sweet.

Samantha: Then he’s got it all.

Carrie: Then why does Miranda not like him?

Samantha: Oh, she doesn’t not like him. She doesn’t know him.

Carrie: She didn’t try to get to know him. She didn’t ask him one question all night, and she is all about the questions.

Samantha: Well, here’s a question — why do you care? Have you ever heard me once ask what anybody thinks about my boyfriend?

Carrie: I’ve never heard you use the term ‘boyfriend’.

Samantha: My point is, it doesn’t matter. Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Sex and the City, Season 6, Episode 18 –

Idiot Monday

Today, 11:36AM:

Caller: Hello, is this RHB customer service?
Me: No.
Caller: Oh. Can you connect me to RHB customer service? I made an application last week for —
Me: Excuse me, I don’t work for RHB anymore. Look it up on their website.
Caller: Oh. But it’s not on their website.
Me: OK, hang on. (rummaging for old business card)
Caller: OK. Because last week I applied —
Me: HANG ON. OK, call 03.9285.2233. That’s Corporate Communications; ask them for Customer Service.
Caller: OK, thank you. I wanted to apply for —
Me: (half shouting) LISTEN. I DON’T WORK THERE ANYMORE. CALL THEM INSTEAD.

I hang up.

Today, 4:49PM:

Caller: Hello, is this Sharon?
Me: No.
Caller: Oh. So… who is this?
Me: Not Sharon. Who are you?
Caller: Oh. I am [a name I forgot] from Paris Hill. You made an appointment for 4:30PM today, right? Are you coming?
Me: Excuse me, my appointment was yesterday.
Caller: Oh. So you canceled today’s appointment is it? Are you Sharon?
Me: NO, I am NOT Sharon.
Caller: Oh. OK, OK. Sor —

I hang up.

Clearly, it is Surround Yourself With Stupid People Monday.