Better things

swan song

Most of us are driven by circumstances to make big, important decisions in our lives. I am driven by the pain and grief of loss. This does not diminish the excitement I feel about the prospect of moving to a completely new place and doing something completely different. Neither does the excitement take away from the blinding rage and breathtaking sadness that consume me whenever I remember why I decided to do that in the first place.

There are only a handful — literally one hand-full — of people who can even remotely understand why, and the ones who can’t are not to blame.

Because there are days when I can barely understand it myself. There are days when I cannot believe my life has come to this. I cannot believe that one day, months from now, I’ll wake up and all of this will be gone and I’ll be forced to start all over again. I cannot believe the kind of loss I have to face that drove me to make such a decision. I cannot believe that the life I have known for nearly two years will one day come to an end, and that I will once again have to build a new life of my own, on my own.

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