Ashes to ashes, dust to dust

“Here lies Carrie. She had two loves, and lots o’ shoes.” – Carrie Bradshaw, Sex & the City

It’s the eve of Eid and everyone is being lazy, what with it being in the middle of the week and all. This entire month has been dreadfully dull, as the fasting masses ceased to function as soon as Ramadhan began, and there hasn’t been much to do except proofread very badly-written fund reports and marketing collateral. And with only three people in the office today, myself included, I agreed to join Becca and Joyce for lunch at the Tian Xiang Steamboat Restaurant on Pudu Road.

Partway through lunch, Becca dropped a load of noodles on the table, but then decided that it couldn’t be too hazardous to put the noodles back in the soup. “If I die eating them then too bad,” she said. I added that at least she would have died doing what she (i.e. we) does best. “Can you imagine how it would appear in the news?” she chortled. “Girl dies after eating steamboat; police suspect noodles.”

That led us to thinking about how our extraordinary (assuming they would be) deaths would be reported in the newspapers. Girl found on streets with dirty noodles in her esophagus… Girl choked to death on noodles in restaurant… Noodles found to be as lethal as melamine or heroin…

And then we thought about how our gravestones would look if we were buried. I came up with Loving wife, mother (assuming she would be in either role), and trailing plumber for Becca. Trailing because that’s what she does when she goes out with her man — him striding away while she trails/gallops behind him in her efforts to catch up — and plumber because she has been domesticated to the point of having to fix his toilet when left in his apartment to fend for herself.

And for me, she came up with She who woke up at 6AM every morning to go to work, who had big boobs and who was groped by other women. No explanation necessary.

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