And it all falls down

“You know, whenever someone says something really funny, and I’m laughing, I always look around to see if you think it’s funny too. Even when you’re not there, I still look around.” – George O’Malley, Grey’s Anatomy

It almost happened last night. I don’t know what brought me so close to the edge.

It might have been when you were uncomfortable that the people at the other table were looking at you, and when I told you to look away you said, “I’ll just look at you.” It might have been when you asked if I could put up with your melodrama and I shot back, without thinking, “If I couldn’t, do you think I’d still be here?” and had to restrain myself from saying a lot more. Or it might have been when you asked what was on my mind.

I thought I had sensed the tide turning when you came back, that ever-so-slight shift in the air that made me think something had changed while you were away. And for one fleeting instant, I was led to believe that I hadn’t imagined it. But maybe it was just the fact that you were away for all that time — even though two weeks seemed like hardly any time at all — and coming back here gave you a new perspective on things, because now it seems as though you’ve retreated into your old perspective, that comfort zone you so loved to hide behind.

There are days when I want to tell you, when I can almost hear myself telling you everything. But then I remember that day, and the silence drowns everything out once again.

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