A pseudo-permanent fixture

A pseudo-permanent fixture

“Well done, Angel. By surviving six months you’ve just made it that much harder for yourself to quit.” – He whom we call Charlie

It has been six months to the day since I walked into a new office, a new environment, a new world altogether. I’m officially off probation and a confirmed employee of this company, whose name garners a raise of eyebrows and an occasional “Waaahhh, so good ah you!” And my response to all that: a smile. No words, no fending off remarks, just a smile. Because I’ve learned that in the position I’m in, sometimes the best thing to do is just smile — and that isn’t necessarily a good thing.

Am I happy here? Yes and no. Yes because I have a good boss and good managers who have become more than just superiors, but friends who have helped me get to where I am and do what I do in these six short months. Yes because I really do enjoy my job — even though I have to rely on Vanity to stop me from tearing my hair out and bursting into tears every now and then — and every day is a lesson for me, not in this industry, but in life and how the world — this world at least — works, and the immense difference between this working environment and the one I was in last year never ceases to amaze me. No because I have been enmeshed in a world where politics, classism, racism and nepotism play a heartbreakingly big role in the decision-making processes of this company. Not because I have been pitted against my principles, my beliefs and my own sense of self-worth, all in the name of getting the job done.

Are things likely to change? Of course. Are things likely to get better? Probably not. And where does this leave us? When we have to ride the wave of change, do we just go where the tide takes us and pray that we miss the rocks, or do we swim away and try and look for something less precarious, less consuming, less likely to set us wondering why we do it in the first place?

Right now I’m all right with the way things are. It’s difficult, but as long as I shut out the ugliness and not let it get to me too much it becomes more bearable. And in spite of my grumbling and grousing, I know that deep down, I really am grateful to be here and doing this, and everything I’ve learned so far makes all the other little things seem so much more trivial.

Let’s see what the next six months will bring.

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