A land I dream of

“I’m just going to keep my eyes closed, because this is like that moment in the morning when you first wake up and you’re still half-asleep, and everything seems… Things are possible, dreams feel true, and for that one moment between waking and sleeping, anything can be real. And then you open your eyes and the sun hits you, and then you realize that… I’m just going to keep my eyes closed.” – Izzie Stevens, Grey’s Anatomy

Sometimes I don’t know who I thought I was kidding. I don’t know why I thought I could do this, why I thought I could just open my eyes in the morning and get dressed and go to work as though this was how it’s always been, why I thought I could one day wake up and suddenly realize that I no longer wanted to just go back to sleep and never wake up again.

I want to go home. I want to go Home. I want to be able to walk in the door and be greeted by the silence and the peace and the familiar scent of my Glade Clean Linen air freshener. I want to be able to sing in the shower, in the bedroom, in the kitchen, without worrying about anyone listening. I want to be able to crawl into bed and listen to the wind blowing through the trees, and wake up to see the big, white, silent world outside.

There are days when I’m waking up and I still think I’m back in my Copley Court apartment, waking up to the silence and occasionally to a text message that came in at some point in the middle of the night because it was sent from a different time zone, and I can feel — or maybe imagine — myself smiling. Then when I decide to get out of bed, I become fully awake and realize that I’m here, and more than anything else, I want to go back to sleep and to that dream — the dream I’ve been having for quite a few nights now, the dream that I go to bed hoping I will have. Ironically, it’s the only time when my imagination isn’t running wild and I’m not lying in bed turning everything over and over in my mind until it physically hurts.

But no, the time for grieving has long passed. I’m here now. I’m here, in this life and surrounded by its circumstances, and I’m going to be here for a while, so it’s time to open my eyes and bring myself out of that world and that time that exists between my dreams and the cold, hard reality that is my life. And maybe, hopefully, I’ll stop having one of those days.

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