A contingency flaw

A contingency flaw
Cartagena, Colombia. Because when life can sometimes be so dark, who wouldn't want to live amidst so much color?

Cartagena, Colombia. Because when life can sometimes be so dark, who wouldn’t want to live amidst so much color?

Ten days it has been. Ten days during which I have watched, listened and waited for a sign, any sign, that the tide is turning in my favor and things are finally going back to normal. Ten days during which I have alternately had my hopes soar and then plummet, in a never-ending rollercoaster ride that has gone from loop to loop to death drop over the last two and a half months.

Every day I ask myself, Why am I still here? Why am I still doing this? What on earth could make this worth all the pain I’ve put myself through? I had a contingency plan in place. I had decided exactly what I was going to do should everything go south and I am forced to walk away. And yet I keep that contingency plan at bay, hoping that I won’t have to use it so soon, hoping that somehow, all of this would have been for nothing.

Because the answer is so clear, so simple, and so unshakeably certain, that I know I would exhaust all my energies on it before I turn to any other plan. Because in the back of my mind, I still choose to believe that this one could be different, could be better than all the rest. Because I know now what it truly means to love, and I know there will never be another love like this.

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