Monthly Archives: October 2015

Better things

swan song

Most of us are driven by circumstances to make big, important decisions in our lives. I am driven by the pain and grief of loss. This does not diminish the excitement I feel about the prospect of moving to a completely new place and doing something completely different. Neither does the excitement take away from the blinding rage and breathtaking sadness that consume me whenever I remember why I decided to do that in the first place.

There are only a handful — literally one hand-full — of people who can even remotely understand why, and the ones who can’t are not to blame.

Because there are days when I can barely understand it myself. There are days when I cannot believe my life has come to this. I cannot believe that one day, months from now, I’ll wake up and all of this will be gone and I’ll be forced to start all over again. I cannot believe the kind of loss I have to face that drove me to make such a decision. I cannot believe that the life I have known for nearly two years will one day come to an end, and that I will once again have to build a new life of my own, on my own.

We’re not promised tomorrow

I found myself dreaming in silver and gold
Like a scene from a movie that every broken heart knows
We were walking on moonlight and you pulled me close
Split second and you disappeared, and then I was all alone

I woke up in tears, with you by my side
A breath of relief, and I realized
No, we’re not promised tomorrow

In the blink of an eye
Just a whisper of smoke
You could lose everything
The truth is you never know
So I’ll kiss you longer baby
Any chance that I get
I’ll make the most of the minutes and love with no regrets

Let’s take our time to say what we want
Use what we got before it’s all gone
‘Cause no, we’re not promised tomorrow

So I’m gonna love you like I’m gonna lose you
I’m gonna hold you like I’m saying goodbye
Wherever we’re standing, I won’t take you for granted
‘Cause we’ll never know when
When we’ll run out of time
So I’m gonna love you like I’m gonna lose you
I’m gonna love you like I’m gonna lose you

– Meghan Trainor & John Legend, Like I’m Gonna Lose You


Buckingham Palace, London

Buckingham Palace, London

Six months it has run, this crazy ride
As the wheels of doom keep turning
I look around for a place to hide
But the flames of guilt keep burning
For all these months, I’ve seen and heard
The things they’ve said and done
The things that have left me so disturbed
I wanted to turn and run

As the days, and nights, and weeks wore on
I struggled to deal with it all
But there were moments when I felt so lost
That I was ready to let myself fall
To fall asleep and never wake
That would be the best way out
But then I thought of everything I couldn’t take
And that left me with my doubts

So I kept my head down and just got by
As I watched this change take shape
Deep down I knew it was a matter of time
Before I found some small escape
And when that time came, I thought I’d gained
Some peace of mind at last
But little did I know of what
Would eventually come to pass

Nearly eight years it had been, since I had gone
And left my past behind
But see how fickle Fate must be
To keep certain things in my mind
So when chance came I scrambled forth
And took it for my own
Even though I knew what I would risk
In that sense, I had not grown

You were my escape when my world fell
And reality became too much
You gave me an outlet for my rage
And I treated you as such
I recognized at once the shift in me
When I realized I wanted more
But you are there, and I am here
It would be such a chore

If I could turn back time, I may not have done
What I thought had been my right
Or I may have done things differently
Just short of taking flight
Though when I can run away again
I have yet to really know
What I want is the escape you gave
And someday, I’ll tell you so