Monthly Archives: July 2015

For love of someone

For love of someone

“Love is putting someone else’s needs before yours.” – Olaf, Frozen

When I used to sing at weddings, the bridal couples would ask me to sing a cover of I Will Always Love You. It amazed me, because anyone who read or listened carefully to the lyrics would know that it’s a song of farewell. But it also didn’t surprise me, because most people fixate on the title and hear what they want to hear. So I would suggest to the brides and grooms that they read the lyrics and then come back and tell me if they still wanted me to sing that song at their wedding.

Thankfully, most of them didn’t. The remaining few who were resolute probably had guests who didn’t understand much English anyway.

Lately I’ve come to relate more and more to the song, because it speaks of a love so powerful and so altruistic that only the truly strong can genuinely feel it. And I would wonder if there would ever come a time when I could be strong enough to feel a love like that. Now, it appears, I have no choice.

The last 17 months, and especially the past 12 weeks, have been nothing but a learning curve — a fluid, volatile learning curve that grew exponentially with the lessons I had been forced to learn. While the lessons were priceless, I have to wonder if the pain that came with the experience was worth it. To know a love so consuming, so profound, only to have to give it up inevitably. To have met the one person who fits you in every single way but one, only to have to walk away from them eventually. To have experienced what was the closest you could ever get to the perfect relationship, only to know that there will never be another one like it.

What makes that kind of pain worth it?

I could be a romantic and say that being loved by this man the way he loves me makes the pain worth it. I could be worldly and say that the lessons he taught me — that there can be so much more to life than the hand I’ve been dealt — makes the pain worth it. I could be naive and say that we were brought together for a reason, and that reason has run its course, but it makes the pain worth it. In the end, I will never know what makes that pain worth it, or if it even is worth it.

But the one thing I do know, the one thing I’ve learned above all else is that love knows no bounds. Dolly Parton (or Whitney Houston to the rest who don’t know any better) sang of a love so deep that it allowed her to leave the one person she loved most in order to set him free of his burdens, his demons and his pain, while still being able to wish him the happiness he deserves. And I truly understand now what it means to love like that, to realize that my happiness comes from making someone else happy, and I understand the difference between giving up and knowing when to walk away.

I’m back, bitches!

I’m back, bitches!
jk rowling

One person’s magic is another’s malcontent

Yes, my magpies. It took a lot of deep breaths, self-medicating and WordPress plugin tweaking, but I have decided to return to public posting. Even though my last public post was an announcement of a hiatus, I have in fact been posting privately for the last few weeks, and was waiting for the right time — and a new web host and server — to go public again.

I will admit, my decision to write publicly again was made almost entirely due to some of my readers, wonderful souls who reached out to me asking why this website had disappeared. I told them only half of the truth: that I was migrating this website to a new host and server, and therefore the website had to be shut down for a while. The other half of the truth: I was — and, in fact, still am — being stalked by a woman pretending to be a man on Instagram.

While I will not go into the sordid details, I will say that it has been an insanely turbulent 11-odd weeks, and this insanity will likely continue for a good few years, depending on when this 47-year-old trollop decides to grow up and focus on more important things. The turbulence led to other unwanted individuals being led to this website, and therefore I decided that for the sake of my sanity and that of the man I am with, it would be best if I stopped posting publicly here for a while.

Recent events have made me realize that even if this psychotic episode — I like to call it the Lebanese version of Empire — were to go on for the unforeseeable future, I do not owe it to anyone to put my life on hold for the sake of someone whom I do not know, like or respect. And every time I looked at the messages I received from readers asking if I was OK and why I had stopped writing, my resentment at having to hide behind this metaphorical firewall grew.

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It was this last message, that can be found here, that really got to me, because this dear girl wrote everything that I have always hoped to embody through my writing: honesty, fearlessness, the strength to do what I love, and the ability to “write anyone to death”.

So not only have I decided to post publicly again, I have also made all the posts I wrote privately during my hiatus public. Some of it may shock you, sadden you, or even anger you, but those of you who have followed my writing long enough should expect nothing less from someone like me.

A contingency flaw

A contingency flaw
Cartagena, Colombia. Because when life can sometimes be so dark, who wouldn't want to live amidst so much color?

Cartagena, Colombia. Because when life can sometimes be so dark, who wouldn’t want to live amidst so much color?

Ten days it has been. Ten days during which I have watched, listened and waited for a sign, any sign, that the tide is turning in my favor and things are finally going back to normal. Ten days during which I have alternately had my hopes soar and then plummet, in a never-ending rollercoaster ride that has gone from loop to loop to death drop over the last two and a half months.

Every day I ask myself, Why am I still here? Why am I still doing this? What on earth could make this worth all the pain I’ve put myself through? I had a contingency plan in place. I had decided exactly what I was going to do should everything go south and I am forced to walk away. And yet I keep that contingency plan at bay, hoping that I won’t have to use it so soon, hoping that somehow, all of this would have been for nothing.

Because the answer is so clear, so simple, and so unshakeably certain, that I know I would exhaust all my energies on it before I turn to any other plan. Because in the back of my mind, I still choose to believe that this one could be different, could be better than all the rest. Because I know now what it truly means to love, and I know there will never be another love like this.