Not a day goes by that I don’t go to bed hoping I can just sleep forever. Not a day goes by that I don’t open my eyes and wonder why I had to wake up at all. Not a day goes by that I don’t pray for the courage to put you out of your misery, to end your pain.
Maybe one day, hopefully, soon.
The Kite Runner has always been one of my favorite books, and never fails to invoke a tear in my eye every time I read it. This line, in particular, strikes an exceptionally loud chord in my being, because I now truly understand what it means. It speaks of a love so profound, so altruistic, that it goes beyond romance and verbal declarations. It fits two people seamlessly together with all the things they know they feel, but never have to say.
People think that love is only about being happy with someone and carving out a life together, but that’s not quite accurate. Love is about putting someone else first and wanting them to be happy and fulfilled, even if it means setting them free to find that happiness and fulfillment with someone else. It’s when we learn and attain peace from watching them grow and find themselves that we know we did right by them. And we would do it again and again, a thousand times over, for them.
I am equal parts fortunate and unfortunate to have found that kind of love. Fortunate because I never thought I would be worthy of something so special, and unfortunate because I know I will never have the strength to do it again with anyone else. I know that nobody will ever love him the way I do, and nobody has ever loved or will ever love me the way he does. And if my memories are all I will have left to keep me warm at night, then that is the risk that I am willing to take.
I am here to tell you we can never meet again
Simple really, isn’t it, a word or two and then
A lifetime of not knowing where or how or why or when
You think of me, or speak of me, or wonder what befell
The someone you once loved so long ago, so well
Never wonder what I’ll feel as living shuffles by
You don’t have to ask me, and I need not reply
Every moment of my life, from now until I die
I will think or dream of you, and fail to understand
How a perfect love can be confounded out of hand
Nothing can be altered, there is nothing to decide
No escape, no change of heart, no anyplace to hide
You are all I’ll ever want, but this I am denied
Sometimes in my darkest thoughts, I wished I never learned
What is to be in love, and have that loved returned
Is it written in the stars?
Are we paying for some crime?
Is that all that we are good for?
Just a stretch of mortal time
Is this God’s experiment in which we have no say?
In which we’re given Paradise, but only for a day
– Elton John & LeAnn Rimes, Written In The Stars –