Monthly Archives: October 2014

Fighting the wobbles

skytrex

Over the weekend I finally had the chance to try out the Skytrex Adventure Park, as part of Farah’s birthday celebrations. It was a good thing she actually initiated the trip (well, I say ‘trip’; it can be quite the drive depending on where you’re going from), because none of us would have made the effort to truck out to Shah Alam otherwise. For practically all of us, it was our first time going to Skytrex, so naturally, Farah did the only logical thing to do: book us all for the Extreme Challenge.

Extreme. As in advanced. For people who are almost definitely fitter than most of us.

Aside from the incredibly unflattering harnesses we had to put on (cameltoe party, anyone?) and the very heavy rain making everything more slippery than usual, it was extremely fun, and obviously extremely tiring. It took about 18 hours, but when the muscle aches finally set in, I had to topple into bed straight and stiff as a board, because it hurt to sit down and sit up.

The thing about the Extreme Challenge route is that it’s really in everyone’s best interests to not be afraid of heights. A flying fox obstacle 72 feet in the air pales in comparison to bungee jumping off a bridge, but even I felt that little flutter in my stomach not unlike the stage fright crawlies I get before a performance. Having a harness and pulley that the park employees guarantee are safe did help some, but not when said harness and pulley kept getting in my way and I had to hang on to the ropes for dear life, try to make my short legs reach the next rope/plank/pipe, and keep the harness and pulley out of my face all at the same time.

At one point, when I was wobbling insanely on one of the suspended rope bridges, I thought, If your foot can’t reach the next rope, you will either wobble here forever, or hang here forever. Then when I was pushing my harness and pulley away from my face while wobbling insanely, I thought, If you somehow manage to knock the carabiners off the cables, you will probably be the only person to fall to her death from trying to cross a rope bridge.

The weird thing is that throughout every single obstacle, I imagined what it would be like to plummet down through the trees, and I wondered if it would hurt at all even if I died on impact. And I thought, If you fall to your death from trying to cross a rope bridge, then everything that you’ve been struggling, drinking and crying for will be over. All of it would just be over.

It was so easy to think about. Too easy. But then I thought, If you fall to your death from trying to cross a rope bridge, who’s going to take care of the kitties?

People are always so quick to condemn those who take their own lives. Hundreds of years ago, it was thought that people who committed suicide were doomed to end up in Hell. Today, people who commit suicide are just called selfish, cowardly and weak, but the thing is, to be selfish is to be sane — sane enough to do something to deliberately hurt other people — and suicide is the act of someone who is clearly struggling with mental issues that they feel they can’t talk to anyone about.

I won’t deny that when I think certain situations in my life are so irreparably damaged that even getting out of bed seems pointless, I’ve entertained the thought of putting an end to it all. But then I think of all the things I’ve yet to finish, the cats I have to care for, and the skeletons I have to personally keep in the closet, and I know that it is for most people’s benefit that I keep myself alive, at least for now.

But back to the point: I would definitely do the Skytrex Extreme Challenge again. Only this time, I suppose I will try not to wobble too insanely.

Into the darkness

“I need something to be… good. I need something to feel right. I’m not depressed, my heart is not broken, I’m not grieving. She’s not dead, she’s out there, she’s living out her dreams, and I know she’s happy, and that makes me feel proud for her.

“But there is this other feeling that doesn’t completely feel fair, or right, or good. She goes on, day in and day out, happy without me. Every morning, I wake up, and there’s this feeling that maybe my dreams are over, that maybe I had my dreams, and they’re over now. I’m going to be this single guy: no wife, no kids, no family. She was my family, and now she’s someplace else, and I let her go.

“It’s good that I did. It’s better for her, but for me… So I need something to be good. I need a reason to get up every morning, and not crawl back into that cave that I was in before I met her. And you know she saved me; you were there, you remember how I was. I was dark. That war made me dark, and that darkness is still in me. She just lit it up.

“So I just thought, maybe to beat back that darkness, I would do something good… I’d just do something good, like go be with those guys, who would remind me… I just need something to be good.”

– Owen Hunt, Grey’s Anatomy

One of the reasons I’ve watched Grey’s Anatomy religiously is Cristina Yang. She always reminded me so much of myself — sarcastic, tough bordering on harsh, candid, and unintentionally vulnerable. Even when the storylines started to feel draggy, monotonous, and occasionally even a little bit ridiculous, I watched the show for her.

Another reason I still watch Grey’s Anatomy religiously to this day is the incredible writing that puts so much life into this show. Regardless of whatever issues she may have had during the show’s run, Shonda Rhimes is unbeatable when it comes to emotionally raw dialog — the kind that almost always hits too close to home, the kind that makes me feel like I am Olivia Pope, but for all the wrong reasons, the kind that makes you want to ask Shonda how she knows.

How she knows that when a dip occurs in the momentum of your everyday life, the odd little feeling of malcontent creeps in. How she knows that no matter how happy and content you are with your current lot in life, there is still a shadow over that one little part of it that threatens to ruin everything else. How she knows that all it takes is one person to cast a bright light over that darkness in your heart, and one person to take away that light completely and permanently. How she knows that when the darkness takes over, so much so that you can’t even do the simplest thing like book a flight ticket without associating it with that darkness, all you need is for something to be good.