You’re gone from here
Soon you will disappear
Fading into beautiful light
Because everybody’s changing
And I don’t feel right
– Keane, Everybody’s Changing –
Just when I thought the sand and dust had settled and I was finally in a secure, stable place, something has kicked it all back up. Kicked it back up so violently that now I can barely see straight, and can only sit tight and wait for it all to settle back down. The real problem is that now that everything has changed so much in just a few short days, and the dust is swirling again, I’m subconsciously trying not to let it settle for a while.
I spent this past weekend shooting for the new short film Every Breath You Fake. After months of mental preparation, weeks of physical realization and gastronomical abstinence, everything and everyone finally came together to make one little idea a reality. Suffice to say, what I had to do for this film was unlike anything I’d ever done in previous films. And even though it left me feeling a little violated, it felt good — almost exhilarating, even — to be able to stretch my abilities and bring my love for acting to a whole new level.
It was also great to be working with actors like Jackie Chow from Hong Kong, who is able to understand what is expected of him and be able to adapt to the atmosphere of a scene, yet still add his own touch to it without looking like he’s trying too hard. And given the nature of our scenes together, he helped me a lot by making me comfortable enough to be as natural as possible, even though there were a few unprecedented factors that somewhat crippled my acting on the last day.
The weekend of shooting reminded me of why I’ve loved acting ever since I was as young as five. Using my imagination to visualize scenes that the directors want, allowing myself to feel emotions that I normally try to suppress, and pushing my boundaries beyond what is socially acceptable, I’m extremely grateful to have been given the chance to be a part of productions like this. The hard part, as always, is when it’s all over and I have to wake up to the harsh and unpleasant reality of my life.
The only difference is that this time, waking up feels even more unreal than the actual make-believe of the weekend.
Amidst a haze of camera flashes, seawater, barracudas, fighting and making up, the first half of the year has ended. It breaks my heart because the second half won’t go by any more slowly, and I’m not getting any younger or closer to the goals I’ve set for myself. And now, with the decisions I’ve recently (and consciously) made, I do and don’t want to see what the rest of the year will bring.