If your heart’s not in it for real
Please don’t try to fake what you don’t feel
If love’s already gone
It’s not fair to lead me on
‘Cause I would give the whole world for you
Anything you ask of me, I’d do
But I won’t ask you to stay
I’d rather walk away
If your heart’s not in it
– Westlife, If Your Heart’s Not In It –
Sometimes I wish I had never learned its power. The power to make or break a relationship, the power to control every situation, every circumstance, the power to love, to hurt, to give, and to take away something that means everything to a person.
What is love, anyway?
Ah, best for last. If I were Spock from “Star Trek,” I would explain that human love is a combination of three emotions or impulses: desire, vulnerability and bravery. Desire makes one feel vulnerable, which then requires one to be brave.
Since I’m not Spock, I will tell a story.
Say you decide to adopt a baby girl in China. You receive her photo, put it on your refrigerator and gaze at it as the months pass, until finally you’re halfway around the world, holding her in your arms, tears of joy streaming down your face.
But later in your hotel room, after undressing her, you discover worrisome physical signs, in particular a scar on her spine. You call the doctor, then head to the hospital for examinations and CT scans, where you are told the following: she suffered botched spinal surgery that caused nerve damage. Soon she will lose all bladder and bowel control. Oh, and she will be paralyzed for life. We’re so sorry.
But the adoption agency offers you a choice: keep this damaged baby, or trade her in for a healthier one.
You don’t even know about the trials yet to come, about the alarming diagnoses she’ll receive back home, the terrifying seizures you’ll witness. Nor do you know about the happy ending that is years off, when she comes through it all and is perfectly fine. You have to decide now. This is your test. What do you do?
If you’re Elizabeth Fitzsimons, who told this story here one Mother’s Day, you say: “We don’t want another baby. We want our baby, the one sleeping right over there. She’s our daughter.”
That’s love. Anyone can have it. All it requires is a little bravery. Or a lot.
Happy Valentine’s Day.
– Excerpt from Explaining the Irrational by The New York Times