Monthly Archives: January 2010

10 Things You Don't Know About Women

by Alyssa Milano for Esquire

1. Women are innately self-conscious. This is not a choice; it’s a genderwide condition. On a bad day, I look in the mirror and see my ten-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Bertha. On a really bad day, Bertha sees her two-hundred-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Brian Dennehy.

2. Women produce half the world’s food but own only 1 percent of its farmland. So we’re fine with you picking up the tab. And after about three thousand dinners at Nobu, we should be even.

3. Women like porn, too. We just hate it when you hide the porn.

4. Women remember everything. Don’t believe me? Ask your girlfriend where you met. She won’t tell you it was at a party. She’ll say it was a Thursday, she had just come from dinner, where she ate a veggie burger, and she was wearing her friend Cathy’s pink top, which was big on her because Cathy is a big girl. You were wearing a blue button-down, drinking a Jack and Coke with two straws, and talking to Bill, that mutual friend. She waved and you gave her the “what’s up” nod. This still infuriates her. (“How could you give me the nod?”)

5. An eyelash curler, while mean and ferocious looking, is not a weapon.

6. No matter how much your woman loves you, there are going to be three to seven days each month when she wants you dead. (She may even quietly fantasize about turning her eyelash curler against you.) You have two options: Tie yourself to a tree and wait out the storm, or stock up at Tiffany’s, toss a blue box or two into the wind, and hope for the best. We recommend the latter. (The key chain doesn’t count.)

7. We think it’s weird when you watch sports and concentrate to help your team.

8. “Hey, Melissa, who’s the boss?” Not a good pickup line. “Hey, Phoebe, where’d you park your broomstick?” Not a good pickup line. “Hey, Alyssa, you look 250 pounds lighter than Brian Dennehy in that dress.” Surprisingly good pickup line.

9. Women hear better than men. That’s before you even factor in listening skills and attention spans. Come to think of it, I should have listed this one first because I’m sure I’ve lost you by now.

10. You may be surprised to know that women were responsible for inventing all of the following: the circular saw, the signal flare, the space suit, the bulletproof vest, and the windshield wiper. You’re welcome.

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I can’t say I agree with all of them. No.10 I will discount because I didn’t know it in the first place either, but the only ones I can relate to are numbers 1, 2, 4 and 9.

Most of it is nothing we don’t already know, but it’s amusing to revisit them every now and then, not in the least because, as No.9 states, men could use a little repetition every once in a while.

Company Policy

Because we all need a laugh before our job sends us leaping out of our 5th(or 10th)-floor office window.

To: All Staff

Dress Code
1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.

2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor’s certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Holiday Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

Compassionate Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.

In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Usage
1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.

2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.

3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the ‘Chronic Offenders’ category.

4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company’s mental health policy.

Lunch Break
1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

Happily ever after, once upon a time

I’ve been watching Walt Disney animated movies ever since I can remember; they were part of the Growing Up Essentials Kit my grandmother imposed on me, which included Old Hollywood musicals like The Sound of Music, nursery rhymes about pennyworths of hot cross buns, and the works of Hans Christian Andersen, the Brothers Grimm and Aesop. To her, they were the only movies and stories worth watching and reading, and it’s an education I’m eternally grateful to her for giving me.

My earliest memory of watching Disney movies involves trying to catch the Seven Dwarves singing It’s home from work we go. And as I grew older, coming to understand beyond just the moving pictures and music because I could read the actual stories, I learned that many of these stories ended with a variant of that age-old phrase: “And they lived happily ever after.”

Like so many other girls growing up, I harbored dreams of finding my own version of happily ever after. To me, the formula seemed so simple: meet a boy, fall in love, and live happily ever after. When pitted against all my other dreams of becoming a teacher, lawyer, doctor, singer and actress, my dream of finding love didn’t seem all that difficult to achieve.

Until, at the ripe old age of 15, I finally woke up.

Now, more than ten years later, I look back at the relationships I’ve had, the mistakes I’ve made, and the lessons I’ve learnt, and occasionally I ask myself if happily ever after really does exist anymore. Or more accurately, if I actually still believe in it. I have been so consumed by unhealthy bitterness and cynicism that every now and then, like when my best friend starts to rant about how relationships and marriage don’t last because happily ever after doesn’t exist anymore and I have to wax optimistic on her in an attempt to stamp out her pessimism, I stop and listen to myself and wonder if I believe in half the things I tell her.

Because in this day and age, where sociologists have suggested that marriage should be a 7-year renewable contract, and where people have the option of changing partners at their fancy, it comes as no surprise that nobody believes in happily ever after anymore. But in retrospect, doesn’t happily ever after require some amount of working at to actually happen? If we are looking to cure the proverbial 7-year itch with a 7-year nuptial timeshare, and we know that at any point in our relationship we can choose to bail and hop on to the next boat, we would never feel the need to make any effort in the relationship, subsequently leading it to its (un)timely demise and reaffirming our belief that happily ever after is so once upon a time.

Wouldn’t that, then, mean that if happily ever after doesn’t exist for us, it’s most likely our faults, and we would have no call to snipe and gripe about not being able to find someone we can spend the rest of our lives with? What happened to having just a little bit of faith that if we try hard enough, and if we stop thinking about ourselves and what we want so much, we can hang on to our relationships, and perhaps even live happily ever after?

So yesterday, I came to the conclusion that no matter how proudly I claim to be cynical and realistic, I realize that deep down, I’m still a romantic at heart. I still believe that we are able to find someone with whom we can share a mutual feeling of love, respect and trust, if we just make that effort. So maybe that makes me a romantic realist. Or a realistic romantic.

But I will find my happily ever after. I can believe in that much now.