Monthly Archives: October 2007

Self-mutilation

Self-mutilation
We really do do it to ourselves

We all have that one thing that we fear above all else. We’ve thought about it. We’ve imagined it happening, and we’ve pictured ourselves dealing with it in the best way we can, each of us heroes in our own way. But all this is only for if it happens, in case it happens, because when it really does happen, when the one thing we always feared really does seem to be coming true, all the preparation in the world will not be enough to get us through it.

Sometimes it could have been avoided. When all the red flags were whipping madly in our faces, we could have tried pulling them out to save ourselves from the impending blow. But because as humans we are willing to endure all the pain — all that exquisite pain — for what little happiness we can get, we chose to leave the flags there, and in the end, we have no one to blame but ourselves.

A sign

A sign

All I ask for is a sign. Whether or not it is a sign that I should hold on and continue to wait, or a sign that I should let everything go, all I need is a sign.

Give me a reason to do it, and I swear I will.

Oh, that face!

Oh, that face!

Is has become the common consensus among the Pitches — and more recently, the Chips — that nobody is more facially expressive than I am. The only emotion that have ever been able to mask is sadness, but have never really been able to adopt a poker face when encountering something that does not sit well with self, like when am at Pitches rehearsals and am subjected to a certain new girl’s ridiculous comments and actions that make her appear at least five years younger than she really is. And this was made clearer than ever at this semester’s PitChip auditions, when the entire audition process was spent with the head down and a face that ranged from looking completely blank, to politely incredulous, to utterly appalled, and was completely unable to feign being the tiniest bit impressed with any of the auditioners (am very very rarely impressed with anyone who auditions, anyway, so feigning it would naturally have been impossible).

Well, I’m sorry, but if you suck, I’m not going to pretend you don’t.